The first step, I think, with addressing the issue of church hurt is to simply recognize that church hurt exists and has existed for a very long time.
Because the church has been hypothesized as a place of love and grace, it has been indubitably mistaken for a place of perfect humans.
Think about this for a moment… if church were a place to go to to receive grace, wouldn’t that mean the people in it need grace? Grace is only given to sinners, and the One who gives grace is the solely perfect human who ever lived: Jesus.
We have to establish this truth that the church is made up of imperfect people- otherwise, we will never make sense of why church hurt is real.
When I was seven years old, we started going to a new church. I was young, but I remember the first few years were good. My parents were happy, my sister and I enjoyed going, then a tragedy happened. The pastor suddenly passed away.
We loved this pastor very much. From my young mind, I just feel like I can remember he was what a pastor should be. Not a perfect man, but had what I would call a pastor’s heart. He really loved his congregation and enjoyed carrying out his calling.
Things shifted greatly when the next leadership came in. By this point, my sister and I were in youth group, and it’s safe to say our first experience in youth wasn’t a good one.
It’s the first time I ever remember feeling like an outsider- I didn’t fit the mold of the clique. My mom was teaching preschool at church, and I began to resent going to youth group and begged to come help her with her class instead.
This was my first experience with church hurt. Hard feelings of not belonging and thoughts in my very young girl’s mind of changing my hair, my clothes, and even losing a few pounds to fit in with the other girls.
Sometimes, I look back on that experience and think about things that I could’ve done differently. I could’ve been more friendly and not so painfully shy. But, knowing what I know now about studying the issue of church hurt is that while it was very difficult at the time, it was what it was.
There is never any guarantee that a change you make will affect a change in others, but it is always a possibility. One bright side of my particular story is that there were two girls I vividly remember to this day that did reach out to me and befriend me. The clique I so desired to be part of was not the friend group I needed to have.
We stayed at that church for a total of seven years. We went back to our old church which had changed quite a bit, as well. Youth group there was a totally different experience- we were involved (and encouraged to be), made friends easily, and I even went on to become a youth leader there to mentor the next generation.
While some won’t experience church hurt until well into their adulthood, it just makes sense that I would experience it at such a young age- I was in church from the time that I was just six weeks old.
Church hurt can look like so many things. It can be a hurt ego from not making a worship team, or not being accepted into a certain friend group, or being in close relationship with leadership and getting burned, and the list goes on.
Sometimes, God’s protection looks like not getting what you thought you wanted. That doesn’t mean He is the One causing people to dismiss you, but it does mean that things are working out the way they should for you.
Will things always work out? Romans 8:26-28 says, “Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.”
As we move forward attending church, being a part of the church, and with the risk of church hurt continuing to be present, Romans 8 is huge for us to hold on to. I feel like it’s a church hurt “anthem” of sorts.
We’re not to look to people as our source of belief if God is good or bad- that’ll never work out. Instead, we are to stay close to the Holy Spirit. We are to be in constant communication with Him, and when church hurt does happen, it won’t ruin us.
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